Week 6: Broken by Feedback

On my way home Friday afternoon I was listening to an episode of the Faith & Imagination Podcast created by the BYU Humanities Center. I don't remember who the poet was being interviewed, what she wrote, or her religious background (which was a main topic of discussion). But there is one line that has played in my head over and over again. It seemed to highlight this whole week and all the complexities of emotions with it. It seemed to make sense of the tears I cried from Monday-Friday. She stated, "As Christians, brokenness must occur on a regular basis." When I decided to go into teaching, I was excited to be an educator directed by the Spirit. I felt like it would help me be the best educator I could be for my students. What I never considered was the repercussions not checking my Christianity at the door would cause. 

"As Christians, brokenness must occur on a regular basis."

By Wednesday I was broken. I had invited my students to leave anonymous feedback about my teaching and class on the back of sticky notes they had used for their goal-setting. I had always considered myself pretty thick-skinned. I grew up in a large family in the south with a granny that took personal jabs as a challenge. We tease a lot and any sign of weakness means you are vulnerable to more attacks. But none of that teasing prepared me for the pain that accompanies negative student feedback. 173 students had nice things to say. 173 students said they loved my classroom and were grateful I am their student teacher. But 2 comments knocked me out and had me laying in my bed Monday and Tuesday night crying and rethinking my whole career. I was spiraling fast and thought I had reached my limit. 

The feedback doesn't necessarily matter; the principle that the feedback our students give us affects us tremendously does. But, if you're interested, the feedback included two comments about how I dumb down the assignments and assessments to the point that my students "utterly despise" my communication with them. To me, that was the worst feedback that I could possibly receive. The last thing I ever want my students to feel is degraded or talked down to; I want them to feel empowered and inspired. I wondered how many other students were thinking the same thing and didn't say anything. Now that I had this information I had to choose what to do with it. Now that I was broken, I had to decide what to do with the pieces. 

On Wednesday evenings I watch the BYU devotionals that I don't get the chance to view on Tuesday mornings. This past week the speaker discussed principles of Christlike leadership. He invited all students to read 3 Nephi 11 themselves and discover what principles of Christ's teaching we could adapt to our own lives and leadership. That night, I laid in bed and read over and over the verse where Christ invites the people to feel His nail prints one by one. He had an individual experience with every person He led. He cared for them individually. I took His example to heart and wondered how I could have a more individual experience with my students. I couldn't let those 2 students' feedback lay to rest because it included individual experiences that mattered. In education, I do not believe majority rules is always the best guiding principle. 

The next day I decided to have one-on-one student conferences while students worked on completing missing assignments before mid-term. I have struggled remembering student names this term but the first miracle of the day included waking up and suddenly knowing every student that walked through the door. I decided that the best way to show my students that I value them and do not see them as empty vessels is to share with them the strengths that I see that they bring to the classroom. Then I asked them what I could do to help them succeed. These conferences have been the most impactful teaching practice I have implemented thus far in my student teaching. Students became humans as, beyond the inspired comments about their strengths, I asked them inspired questions about home life, extracurriculars, stress levels, and transferring schools. My mind was enlightened and my students' eyes lit up as many of them expressed to me that no other individual had ever told them their strengths before. Oakley and I set goals to help him with reading while managing his ADHD. JZ expressed to me her concerns about the ACT and I provided her with some ACT workbooks. Bruno told me that he is struggling to understand The Great Gatsby. Carolyn is an A student but is struggling with separating her worth from her grades. I became aware of needs I would have never seen, or perhaps had noticed way too late.

 Students became humans as, beyond the inspired comments about their strengths, I asked them inspired questions about home life, extracurriculars, stress levels, and transferring schools.

I synthesized the feedback and shared it with all my classes and apologized if it ever felt like I was oversimplifying definitions, instructions, and materials. We discussed together the range of levels in our classes, having students that immigrated here just a few months ago and are learning English for the first time to students that recently transferred from Honors English courses. After these conversations, the classroom environment changed completely. I had students participating more, being more respectful to myself and others, some joining me for lunch, and one student staying after school and asking me to help them with their scholarship application essay. 

Reflecting back on this week I find myself overwhelmed with love for Christ and the brokenness associated with Christianity. He broke me. And with the pieces rebuilt a classroom that met the needs of each student. I am sure more breaking will come as I move forward in my teaching career. But next time I hope that I will not approach it with reluctance, but find myself excited for the change that will come about for the better. 

-Brianna Gee