Stripped Away

This might be TMI, but I am sitting in a towel on my couch in my new married apartment trying to find something to relax my soul. I am three weeks into my first teaching job. I landed a position at Hillcrest High School in Midvale, UT. I commute an hour to work every morning and teach 9th, 9th honors, 10th, and 10th honors. You counted correctly, that's 4 preps. I am starting to wonder if I chose the hardest path I possibly could. If somehow I took the path that is all uphill. The path with traffic jams at 4pm and students that live in homeless shelters and come to school with more trauma than my behavior management plan is ready for. The path that includes a PLC that is falling apart as they bite each others' heads off. The path that leaves me crying on my way home nearly every day. 

Today I cried because I couldn't decide if the work that I am doing is really my best. Is there more I could be doing? Am I putting my energy into all the wrong things? Or am I not putting enough energy into this at all? Is what I am doing now working? The thing with teaching is that nobody can answer those questions but you. No one else is in the room to sing your praises and to tell you you're doing a great job. Rarely will you receive any sort of affirmation from your students, so all the praise and pats on the back must come from yourself.  

I've never been good at hyping myself up. I've never been good at positive self-talk and recognizing what I am doing right. Because of this, I am slowly draining. I'm looking for a charger, preferably one of those big ones I use for my Mac, but I can't seem to find one anywhere yet. That's why I'm here. Typing a pitiful blog, sitting naked on my couch. Never have I felt more vulnerable. This is as real as it gets. This is the evening teachers don't talk about. Personally, I'm considering backspacing everything and not letting these thoughts be open to the world. But, another part of me says no. Says that this is where things start to change. Says this is when you're the most human. This is the point where God strips you of everything you thought you knew, shows you your weaknesses, exposes your bare skin, and makes you wonder what's left. This is the point faith is active. This is the point you--your life, your career, your future---turn into a miracle.